Rediscovery

Rediscovery

In the hours I labored I transformed.

Left behind was the woman I used to be

Curiosity begs me to rediscover myself

I have a new foreign body

And a new enlightened soul

Both raw and open

My body is my tool

And my body is my treasure

And though my body bleeds I am not weakened

But softened

My body can sustain life

And it can feed my child

My body can dance and laugh

My body can comfort

My body is part of me, but it is not all of me

My soul is filled with a tenacity

To love, protect, and nurture

I am overcome with a desire to connect

To bond

To build a village surrounding my family

And as I lean in to nurture my babe

My hands connect with the mothers around me

Being a mother is being vulnerable

Being connected in motherhood is strength

I am new

But wise

And in this discovery of myself I’ve found

I am not alone.

Newbornness

A week earthside with hardly two hours of consecutive sleep, a pile of laundry a mile high and relying solely on my husband to feed me I thought, those 3 months olds are such old babies. That will never be us. Uriah will never be 3 months. My squishy little moose and I were in this space that exists right after you have a baby where there is no time, it's just milk, sleep and snuggles and the clock on the wall is largely ignored. When day is night surely an exception can be made to just slow down that clock. Just a little bit maybe? I found no exception, so here we are at 3 months "old."
My baby is marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. I look at his sweet face and my brain is lit up with fireworks. Every time I see him it's like the first time, like three months ago. In a bathtub when this babe covered in vernix was placed on my chest and I looked down at him and fireworks. It's a chemical reaction when I see his face. It excites me, it catches my breath and quickens my heart. It makes me want to do SOMETHING like kiss those cheeks and that nose and that perfect chin. And pull him close to me because close will never ever be close enough now that you are no longer in my belly. I'm thankful for that time I carried you in my belly, we were one in the same. You were my identity. There was no me without you. And now that you are earthside I do crazy things like wrapping you in fabric to hold you as close as I can. To feel that oneness again. To breath your breath and feel your skin that was once apart of me, but now is entirely your own. It's as close as we can be now, and though the fabric can be undone and though you are your own tiny person now, you are apart of my heart in a way that no one could undo. You will grow and learn and walk and run. Then heaven forbid you will drive and fly, and I  promise you son, none of those things will ever take you away from me. You are etched into my very being. From when I carried you in my belly, and then carried you as a baby, you are very much a part of me, and you don't even know it yet, but you will remember this time because you'll look back and you'll remember love. Because that is exactly what we are. You and me, we are love.