Moose and Me Update

My little boy has grown so much in such a short amount of time. He is so wise, and so lovey. He loves to cover his mommy and daddy in drool drenched kisses. I love to distract him when he is nursing by smiling at him. Most of the time when I do this he will break his latch to smile at me, then bury his face in my armpit in bashfulness. Sometimes when he is really tired and I smile down at him he will raise his eyebrows at me and then roll his eyes back. It brings me so much joy. I know he won't nurse forever, and I am so thankful for this time with him. It really grounds me. Every couple hours we sit and take a few minutes to just bond with each other. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that some people are offended when they see it in public. I wish they could see it like I do. But that's a whole other subject.

I am still adjusting to motherhood. It's still so hard. Anxiety is never far away. I keep finding it in hidden places. Sometimes it hides right out in obvious places. When I try to ignore it I just call it stress. "Oh bedtime can be stressful." If only. What I call "stressful" is actually me obsessing over if he has the right diaper to wear. And making sure he is hungry and tired at the same time. And making sure he doesn't nap too late or too early. And hoping once we lay down he can fall asleep easily. And, and, and, and a million things that shouldn't occupy such a huge part of my mind that often do. I've been trying to deal with it. I practice deep breathing and talk myself out of it, and it helps if I'm thinking clearly enough to recognize the anxiety.

Then there is the guilt. I was reading somewhere about the guilt that us mothers feel. And it kinda struck me in the heart. Right in this moment I could list you ten different things I feel guilty about without even hesitating. It's crushing! My husband lifts me up and encourages me, but if I don't forgive myself then it won't stop. They tell you this motherhood stuff is hard, but that doesn't even begin to describe it. Loving that sweet little baby you just made? That is smooth sailing. Changing diapers and staying up all night? Heck, even that is a breeze compared to the emotional upheaval that you have to go through. I really need to stop feeling so guilty for everything. I need to stop feeling upset that my son scratched himself with those tiny little razor nails that babies have. Every time he sees someone when he has a scratch I feel my skin crawl and I feel like I have to explain it. As if whoever it is has their list of bad moms in their pocket, just waiting to add Carol Gilbert to the list.

It may sound crazy if you have never had babies before, and if you do have babies and you know how I feel, then I'm sorry you have felt this too.

My husband has been having me say out loud, "I am a good wife and a good mother" and I feel foolish having to say it out loud. Because deep down I know it's true. I know it's true because my baby is perfect and happy. And I love the snot out of my husband. As hard as things can get between us as we navigate through this new baby stuff, I wouldn't count on anyone more than him. He really does keep me afloat. I can see how God designed it this way. There is a reason why it takes two parties to make a baby. 

I DO love my job though, no matter how heavy it gets. I love being Uriah's mommy. I love being Zach's wife. Being a mother is challenging in so many ways, and I know God is grooming me to be just the right woman to raise my child, and support my husband. The process of refining was not meant to be easy. I know I'm going through this for a reason. I hope my (brutal) honesty will find someone where they are. These heavy things I trudge through have been trudged through before, and I know someone will go through them after me. And that's another reason why God makes it worth the while for us. 

My sweet little Moose is such a joy. It's undeniable that he came here to change the world of those who love him. I just breath in his sweet baby-ness and just let him change me from the inside out.