Moose and Me: finding the floor.

Less and less I'm finding myself in the throws of hormone concieved mood swings. It's nice to feel light and flowey more often than feeling covered in layers of emotions. I see the value in the time I spent there, and the time I will spend there in the future. It allowed me to do a lot of soul searching. I had to rediscover myself in my new role, and although that sounds SO cliché, it's true. There is nothing that can prepare you for motherhood, and if there was a way to try to do so I did it. I turned into a mother all of a sudden (literally one minute he wasn't here and another he was) and it's a hard transformation to process. But it deserves every thought, every emotion, every feel you could feel to be picked apart. Why why why. I allowed myself to delve into "the feels." And I'm glad I did. I know this process is far from over, I'll always be growing and changing, just like my little Moose does. But the heaviness of becoming a mom is lifting, because I'm getting stronger.
Something that has really helped me is finding the floor. Oh wait, that sounds crazy. I realized that I rarely and I mean rarely thought about what I was doing while I was doing it. I'd be taking a shower and thinking about laundry, dirty diapers, eating dinner, getting the car washed. I'd be playing with Moose, and be thinking about changing my clothes, getting out of the house, how crazy my hair was. Doing this constantly destroys my peace of mind. So, I find my feet. Or my butt, or my back, whatever is attaching me to the earth. I bring myself back to the ground instead of up in my head, thoughts racing, chaos up there. And I think about what I'm doing. I feel the soap in my hand, how the warm water feels running through my hair. When I'm playing with my son I immerse myself in his sweet face, I focus on how he reacts to his toys. Because honestly, I've never done anything faster by thinking about it ahead of time. Staying grounded helps me deal with worries. Instead of obsessing over choices or worrying over what people think about me I can see things for what they are because I don't spend so many hours over thinking things. It has made my life a little more simple.
Oh the dishes didn't get done? That's ok, I'll do them tomorrow, feeling guilty about it doesn't get the dishes done! Crazy right! So stop feeling guilty about it, and instead focus on what I'm doing. Wow this coffee tastes like heaven. That's a much better thought.
Oh, you have two nephew's birthday parties on Saturday, a sister who you would like to help move, and a grandpa who you haven't seen in way too long,  AND your husband has to take a couple tests for school? That's a lot to do, and I can't do all of it. That's ok, if I'm a huge disappointment at least I know im doing the best for my family. That's the worst case scenario, and it isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. Figured that one out, now back to this sweet Moose smile in front of me.
I've been practicing taking deep, meaningful breaths. Oxygen guys, it's fabulous. I like to imagine I'm sucking in alllll the oxygen on my inhale, and when I exhale I slowly release, and imagine pushing all the oxygen all through my body, all the way down to my toes. I've been doing this more and more. It makes me fall asleep by the third time almost every time.
The last thing I've been working on is not taking everything so personally. People say some really interesting things to me. They make little comments here and there about my choices and instead of letting myself get offended I just assume they didn't mean to offend. Even if I'm pretty sure they meant to offend I just move past it. I wish I learned this sooner. I wish I learned it before I got pregnant.
Reading back over what I've written in this post it all seems so obvious. But these things are hard. I'm trying to be a more peaceful person, Moose deserves a more present mama, and Zach needs me to be happy. I deserve a peace of mind.
So far I feel like I can see things more clearly by doing this. I enjoy my little tasks more. It's lead to many more positive interactions with my amazing husband. It's working for me. It takes time to form habits, but it's worth the time.