Always wondering

Its really weird not knowing if I'm pregnant. It has been really hard just wondering what's going on inside of me. I've noticed some significant changes, but it can all be explained by other things too. So here I am wondering if there is the smallest little baby cells starting to form in there, or if I'm just crazy. Either way I think a lot about my belly now.
I don't want to get my hopes up by guessing if I'm having symptoms, but its hard not to. I could be a week or two pregnant and I could not be pregnant at all. Its terrible not knowing. I'm trying to pray for patience, because I feel crazy about it.
Another thing that scares me is if I can't get pregnant. For some reason I'm really scared of infertility. I have a family full of fertile mertals, but it still scares me!
It's fun trying to get pregnant, but I just really want a baby... Now please!
Lord give me patience!

Shout out to my man

Its such a strange feeling not knowing if you are pregnant or not. Every time I get moody or have a cramp or anything I'm wondering, "what does it mean?!" It really makes me feel crazy. I just need to relax about it, but its easier said than done.
One thing that I used to love was having a glass of wine at night. I just love wine. Just one glass and it tastes like heaven and it makes me warm and sleepy. But ever since I stopped using contraception I told myself I would only drink wine when a certain aunt comes to visit. When you have a kid you've gotta make sacrifices, and I may as well start now. My husband had a glass last night and it smelled really good!
Speaking of my husband, its really encouraging that he wants a baby so badly. He would never admit it, but its one of those things a wife picks up on when no one else can tell. This has been a huge scary decision for us, and we have not stopped praying about it. God has clearly given us his answer, and even though I know this is a blessing God wants us to have, it is still terrifying! I mean me? Having babies? That's something my sisters do, I'm just the aunty. But I suppose every aunty has her time to become the mommy. I really need to buck up. Seeing my husbands excitement about it only helps me to buck up, thanks babe.
I've always had a hard time making big decisions. In fact, I probably never would have gotten a dog if it were not for Zach because I always go back and forth about everything. He surprised me with my Reggie dog, and I'm so glad he did, because I really love my dog. Now if only it was that easy to "surprise" me with a baby. Ha ha

The mother I pray I will be

Much of my time is spent thinking about pregnant ladies, being a mom, and what everyone else thinks about those things too. It is a lot to sort through.
I have noticed some people think having kids will somehow stop you from reaching your career goals, or even life goals. I've heard you can't travel with kids, you can't do this or that with kids and ultimately they just weigh you down.
Then there are people who do have kids. And some of them think you must raise them a certain way. They either think a good mom is a stay at home mom or a good mom works outside the home. There are Moms who are for breastfeeding, but only if you do it alone where nobody can see you. And there are Moms who encourage breastfeeding in whatever way your child needs. There are the Moms for Co-sleeping and Moms against. The list goes on.
So far, I have concluded that everyone has their own strong willed opinion on just about everything to do with kids. What is a girl to do?
I hope that someday when I become a mother, no matter what I do, I hope that I will have the confidence to believe in myself as a mother. Everyone is a critic, and I am one of those girls who lets that stuff get to me.
I know that there will be people who don't agree with my choices, and I hope that I will respect their way of doing things too. I refuse to be a judgmental or mean mommy.
I hope that I am like a lot of Moms I know. Like my sisters and my own momma! Quick to lend a helping hand and a word of encouragement.
Also I hope I embrace pregnancy. So many women in my life are pregnant, and I know it's really hard, but I pray that I have a good attitude about it.
In other news, I have two new beautiful nephews!

My yearly appointment

Today I went for my yearly exam. It is tradition that after my yearly I curl up in ball and do nothing for the rest of the day! This year, however, my yearly was a little more exciting because I got to talk to my doctor about going off birth control! We chatted for awhile about it, and it was really exciting because she told me I am very healthy, and everything will be good for pregnancy! I'm so thankful that I am healthy! I don't have to worry about losing weight, or stopping smoking, or kicking a caffeine addiction. In fact I found out that pregnant women can have a cup of coffee a day, which is more than I drink anyways! So I don't know why so many women deprive themselves for no reason?
Anyways, she told me to start taking pre-natals so my body can get used to them. I'm sure the husband is going to laugh at that!
Is getting really hard not to tell people that Zach and I are talking about having a baby, but I really want to keep it as a surprise for now. Besides, I've got two nephews coming! I don't want to steal their thunder!