Bed time

Bed time is always interesting with children. I'm almost 25 and in my 25 years of experience going to bed every night (erg well except for those few all nighters at Corban) I still struggle sometimes to fall asleep.
So it's no wonder that falling asleep isn't always simple for my sweet Uriah. We do bedtime between 8:30 and 9:30 each day. Every night we take everything we have done that day to bed with us and falling asleep is the process of letting it all go.
Sometimes the tiredness weighs heavy on Uriah's eyes, but his little body can't quit tossing. He'll try nursing to sleep and his feet are kicking and his arm is waving a taxi. The day clearly took a lot of energy that he needs to let go of. Sometimes as he nurses the sweet, warm milk will be what he needs to slow his body down. As he lays close to my body I practice deep, slow breathing to calm my own body down. I find that most of the time, if I'm a mess, he's a mess, and so this deep breathing really helps me to relax my own body. My body relaxes with each new breath, and I imagine the oxygen seeping down all the way to my toes. I imagine that it extends all the way to my sweet boy. Just like it did when he was in my belly, and I really did supply him with oxygen.
At the end of the day, with all of the day on my mind, sometimes I feel like I'm going to just tip over the edge of crazy. As if so much relies on my boy going to sleep. And if he fights sleeping then surely I'll go crazy. Helping a little person fall asleep is actually a really big job. It's important for babies to sleep, and they need us to show them. A lot of stuff rides on bed time.
So on those occasional nights when my milk doesn't send my Uriah off to dream land, I try not lose my sanity. He only has 7 months of life experience far. And falling asleep is a skilled craft.
He will nurse and nurse and just when I think he is fast asleep, he will barrel roll, pop his head up and stare at me. Upon making eye contact he flashes the biggest grin, "Yes," that cheesy grin says, "I get a few more minutes of hanging out with mom and dad."
And we just hang out. Zach and I are the crib bumpers so he can roll around and get all the extra energy out that he needs to. We smile and laugh till his body slows down and he is actually ready for sleeps.
Very rarely now, but every once in awhile I will have to wrap him up and walk him to sleep while wearing him. I can't imagine how good that must feel. To be gently swayed to sleep, with your head nuzzled in your loved ones chest. Close, secure and warm. I'm sure it's heaven for him. Even though I count down the minutes I'll miss of sleep for myself, I know I'm doing the important job of teaching my boy how to sleep. And if you just have to be awake, Uriah Blaine, then you will be awake with the best company ever.

Hi

My poor little blog. I've always been a writer. I always have something to put down. It's been quiet over here though. I've been doing a lot of observing, perhaps not as much evaluating. Every time I try to write I end up deleting everything because by the time I'm finished I feel completely disconnected from what I wrote. But that's ok.  These things aren't meant to be forced.
I've been enjoying my sweet boy and all of his new tricks. He's so lovely. He's so fascinating. This time is so dear to me.
I've been wanting to work on Uriah's birth story (the out-takes edition) to tell you about the more candid moments of my labor (I labored for more than a day, you can imagine it got a little silly.) But it will all come in time.
Just wanted to say "hi" and I'm still here for those of you who enjoy reading my blog!

Moose and Me: finding the floor.

Less and less I'm finding myself in the throws of hormone concieved mood swings. It's nice to feel light and flowey more often than feeling covered in layers of emotions. I see the value in the time I spent there, and the time I will spend there in the future. It allowed me to do a lot of soul searching. I had to rediscover myself in my new role, and although that sounds SO cliché, it's true. There is nothing that can prepare you for motherhood, and if there was a way to try to do so I did it. I turned into a mother all of a sudden (literally one minute he wasn't here and another he was) and it's a hard transformation to process. But it deserves every thought, every emotion, every feel you could feel to be picked apart. Why why why. I allowed myself to delve into "the feels." And I'm glad I did. I know this process is far from over, I'll always be growing and changing, just like my little Moose does. But the heaviness of becoming a mom is lifting, because I'm getting stronger.
Something that has really helped me is finding the floor. Oh wait, that sounds crazy. I realized that I rarely and I mean rarely thought about what I was doing while I was doing it. I'd be taking a shower and thinking about laundry, dirty diapers, eating dinner, getting the car washed. I'd be playing with Moose, and be thinking about changing my clothes, getting out of the house, how crazy my hair was. Doing this constantly destroys my peace of mind. So, I find my feet. Or my butt, or my back, whatever is attaching me to the earth. I bring myself back to the ground instead of up in my head, thoughts racing, chaos up there. And I think about what I'm doing. I feel the soap in my hand, how the warm water feels running through my hair. When I'm playing with my son I immerse myself in his sweet face, I focus on how he reacts to his toys. Because honestly, I've never done anything faster by thinking about it ahead of time. Staying grounded helps me deal with worries. Instead of obsessing over choices or worrying over what people think about me I can see things for what they are because I don't spend so many hours over thinking things. It has made my life a little more simple.
Oh the dishes didn't get done? That's ok, I'll do them tomorrow, feeling guilty about it doesn't get the dishes done! Crazy right! So stop feeling guilty about it, and instead focus on what I'm doing. Wow this coffee tastes like heaven. That's a much better thought.
Oh, you have two nephew's birthday parties on Saturday, a sister who you would like to help move, and a grandpa who you haven't seen in way too long,  AND your husband has to take a couple tests for school? That's a lot to do, and I can't do all of it. That's ok, if I'm a huge disappointment at least I know im doing the best for my family. That's the worst case scenario, and it isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. Figured that one out, now back to this sweet Moose smile in front of me.
I've been practicing taking deep, meaningful breaths. Oxygen guys, it's fabulous. I like to imagine I'm sucking in alllll the oxygen on my inhale, and when I exhale I slowly release, and imagine pushing all the oxygen all through my body, all the way down to my toes. I've been doing this more and more. It makes me fall asleep by the third time almost every time.
The last thing I've been working on is not taking everything so personally. People say some really interesting things to me. They make little comments here and there about my choices and instead of letting myself get offended I just assume they didn't mean to offend. Even if I'm pretty sure they meant to offend I just move past it. I wish I learned this sooner. I wish I learned it before I got pregnant.
Reading back over what I've written in this post it all seems so obvious. But these things are hard. I'm trying to be a more peaceful person, Moose deserves a more present mama, and Zach needs me to be happy. I deserve a peace of mind.
So far I feel like I can see things more clearly by doing this. I enjoy my little tasks more. It's lead to many more positive interactions with my amazing husband. It's working for me. It takes time to form habits, but it's worth the time.

Moose and Me Update

My little boy has grown so much in such a short amount of time. He is so wise, and so lovey. He loves to cover his mommy and daddy in drool drenched kisses. I love to distract him when he is nursing by smiling at him. Most of the time when I do this he will break his latch to smile at me, then bury his face in my armpit in bashfulness. Sometimes when he is really tired and I smile down at him he will raise his eyebrows at me and then roll his eyes back. It brings me so much joy. I know he won't nurse forever, and I am so thankful for this time with him. It really grounds me. Every couple hours we sit and take a few minutes to just bond with each other. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that some people are offended when they see it in public. I wish they could see it like I do. But that's a whole other subject.

I am still adjusting to motherhood. It's still so hard. Anxiety is never far away. I keep finding it in hidden places. Sometimes it hides right out in obvious places. When I try to ignore it I just call it stress. "Oh bedtime can be stressful." If only. What I call "stressful" is actually me obsessing over if he has the right diaper to wear. And making sure he is hungry and tired at the same time. And making sure he doesn't nap too late or too early. And hoping once we lay down he can fall asleep easily. And, and, and, and a million things that shouldn't occupy such a huge part of my mind that often do. I've been trying to deal with it. I practice deep breathing and talk myself out of it, and it helps if I'm thinking clearly enough to recognize the anxiety.

Then there is the guilt. I was reading somewhere about the guilt that us mothers feel. And it kinda struck me in the heart. Right in this moment I could list you ten different things I feel guilty about without even hesitating. It's crushing! My husband lifts me up and encourages me, but if I don't forgive myself then it won't stop. They tell you this motherhood stuff is hard, but that doesn't even begin to describe it. Loving that sweet little baby you just made? That is smooth sailing. Changing diapers and staying up all night? Heck, even that is a breeze compared to the emotional upheaval that you have to go through. I really need to stop feeling so guilty for everything. I need to stop feeling upset that my son scratched himself with those tiny little razor nails that babies have. Every time he sees someone when he has a scratch I feel my skin crawl and I feel like I have to explain it. As if whoever it is has their list of bad moms in their pocket, just waiting to add Carol Gilbert to the list.

It may sound crazy if you have never had babies before, and if you do have babies and you know how I feel, then I'm sorry you have felt this too.

My husband has been having me say out loud, "I am a good wife and a good mother" and I feel foolish having to say it out loud. Because deep down I know it's true. I know it's true because my baby is perfect and happy. And I love the snot out of my husband. As hard as things can get between us as we navigate through this new baby stuff, I wouldn't count on anyone more than him. He really does keep me afloat. I can see how God designed it this way. There is a reason why it takes two parties to make a baby. 

I DO love my job though, no matter how heavy it gets. I love being Uriah's mommy. I love being Zach's wife. Being a mother is challenging in so many ways, and I know God is grooming me to be just the right woman to raise my child, and support my husband. The process of refining was not meant to be easy. I know I'm going through this for a reason. I hope my (brutal) honesty will find someone where they are. These heavy things I trudge through have been trudged through before, and I know someone will go through them after me. And that's another reason why God makes it worth the while for us. 

My sweet little Moose is such a joy. It's undeniable that he came here to change the world of those who love him. I just breath in his sweet baby-ness and just let him change me from the inside out.

Rediscovery

Rediscovery

In the hours I labored I transformed.

Left behind was the woman I used to be

Curiosity begs me to rediscover myself

I have a new foreign body

And a new enlightened soul

Both raw and open

My body is my tool

And my body is my treasure

And though my body bleeds I am not weakened

But softened

My body can sustain life

And it can feed my child

My body can dance and laugh

My body can comfort

My body is part of me, but it is not all of me

My soul is filled with a tenacity

To love, protect, and nurture

I am overcome with a desire to connect

To bond

To build a village surrounding my family

And as I lean in to nurture my babe

My hands connect with the mothers around me

Being a mother is being vulnerable

Being connected in motherhood is strength

I am new

But wise

And in this discovery of myself I’ve found

I am not alone.

Newbornness

A week earthside with hardly two hours of consecutive sleep, a pile of laundry a mile high and relying solely on my husband to feed me I thought, those 3 months olds are such old babies. That will never be us. Uriah will never be 3 months. My squishy little moose and I were in this space that exists right after you have a baby where there is no time, it's just milk, sleep and snuggles and the clock on the wall is largely ignored. When day is night surely an exception can be made to just slow down that clock. Just a little bit maybe? I found no exception, so here we are at 3 months "old."
My baby is marvelous. Absolutely marvelous. I look at his sweet face and my brain is lit up with fireworks. Every time I see him it's like the first time, like three months ago. In a bathtub when this babe covered in vernix was placed on my chest and I looked down at him and fireworks. It's a chemical reaction when I see his face. It excites me, it catches my breath and quickens my heart. It makes me want to do SOMETHING like kiss those cheeks and that nose and that perfect chin. And pull him close to me because close will never ever be close enough now that you are no longer in my belly. I'm thankful for that time I carried you in my belly, we were one in the same. You were my identity. There was no me without you. And now that you are earthside I do crazy things like wrapping you in fabric to hold you as close as I can. To feel that oneness again. To breath your breath and feel your skin that was once apart of me, but now is entirely your own. It's as close as we can be now, and though the fabric can be undone and though you are your own tiny person now, you are apart of my heart in a way that no one could undo. You will grow and learn and walk and run. Then heaven forbid you will drive and fly, and I  promise you son, none of those things will ever take you away from me. You are etched into my very being. From when I carried you in my belly, and then carried you as a baby, you are very much a part of me, and you don't even know it yet, but you will remember this time because you'll look back and you'll remember love. Because that is exactly what we are. You and me, we are love.

Reflections

The holidays are almost over, finally! It's been crazy! There has been so many places to go and people to see. Uriah got to see so many of his family members. It really is sweet how captivating this little fellow is to everyone he encounters. No one can deny the charm of a baby. It just oozes from his skin and infects everybody he sees.
Uriah has been very busy discovering his world. He gazes intently at bright lights and interesting faces, and he tells us stories with his little voice and expressive eyebrows. I never have to wonder what he is feeling because I can see it in a furrowed eyebrow, or a dimple in his grin. He wears his heart on his sleeve this kid.
I love watching him with his daddy. Uriah thinks his dad is just the funniest person there ever was. I am going to love watching them go on and on together for years to come. I know my husband will always be the funniest person ever to our son.
I started potty training with Uriah. The technical term is elimination communication, but pretty much I just take Uriah to go pee in the sink when I think he has to go. I save lots of diapers this way, and we get to stare at each other in the mirror and it's hilarious. It's a good reminder on days when I look like crap that Uriah couldn't care less how I look. When we stand in front of the mirror and I grimace at my reflection Uriah just smiles and coos. It's really grounding. I'll be sad when he starts to sit up and he will have to start sitting on a little potty instead of using the sink. I'm excited to start taking "EC" on the road and do it when I'm on the go and not just at home.
Uriah is working very hard at rolling over. He will stick his butt so far into the air and try to roll over, but he hasn't figured out the top half yet. He gets really worked up about it and it's quite comical. It's funny how every baby before him has figured it out and now it's Uriah's turn. I'm in no hurry of course, take your time growing up kid. I know my days of pre-mobility are numbered.
Sleep sleep sleep. If I didn't have to sleep I think I could rule the world. Just kidding, I would probably just sit there and watch my baby sleep. (Side note: I totally get it now Edward Cullen sorry I was hatin' before.)
But since I must sleep I do it next to my baby. I love having him right next to me at night. I can monitor his breathing and well being and hello! Snuggles. I can feed him without him having to cry for it first, and honestly I would get no sleep if we weren't Co sleeping. I've tried to put him to sleep in a side car(bed attached to my bed) and he would not have it. He prefers to be close to me, and I'm ok with that. We do it safely and we both get more sleep because of it. When I have nightmares my baby is right there when I wake up and it puts my restless mind at ease. There will come a day when I won't get to snuggle my boy all the time, and when that day comes I'll be glad I took every opportunity to do it when he was little.
I'm so thankful that I have my sweet boy, and that he is teaching me so many things. He is always challenging me to see the bright side and live and love more intently. He helps me to let go of anger because when I look into his eyes and see his innocence it's hard to believe that anything is worth getting upset over. It makes me believe that things should be much much more simple then I always make them out to be. He makes me want to change the world to be a brighter place. And I know the only way for me to do that is by being kind, by smiling at strangers and stopping to talk to passers-byers for the sake of hearing how their day is, and letting them smile at my baby. If everyone had a couple more baby smiles a day surely our hearts would be softened. 
This new year will be the fastest one ever. It will be full of wonders, adventures, love, and grins, and of course, cups of coffee.  Learning and growing always. I'll share so many joy filled moments with the people I love. I'll never forget these moments of motherhood when my baby was small and we were both figuring out what life is all about.
As I reflect on the last year I can't help but be in awe. It was exactly a year ago today that I got my last cycle bringing news that I once again wasn't pregnant. I poured a glass of champagne and toasted to the new year making it my goal to not hate myself for not getting pregnant again. At least there is wine I thought. I had no idea that January would be the month I got my sweet baby. I was so ready to give up, because it hurt so bad waiting to meet someone that I knew would change my life. But 2014 brought me all the joy I never knew I was missing. I conceived my child and grew him from an itty bitty seed, to a 9 pound baby during such a lovely pregnancy. I brought him into the world in the most perfect birth I could have imagined: safe, secure, and full of love. And now he is here and my heart is so full, loving and getting to know this child that I feel like I've really known my whole life. I have watched my little family grow into something so beautiful and close.  2014 was more of a gift then I could have ever imagined. My husband, my baby, and our silly pup. All the love I could ever need.