Week 26

Pregnancy is getting harder for me this week.  I'm to the point now where I can feel Uriah constantly. If he isn't kicking me I can feel the weight of his body shifting around inside all the time. I'm pretty sure I've been having braxton hicks occasionally, and they are extremely uncomfortable. It has happened a couple times in public, and I'm waiting for someone to think I'm in labor.
I was trying to take a nap the other day and he was tickling me under my rib. It's like he is talking to me when I feel him moving, and I feel like I have to pay attention, but now that I feel him constantly I need to learn to relax my mind when I need to, even if he is kicking up a storm.
I've been very emotional this week, and there have been nights where I feel downright depressed. Sometimes it's hard to place a finger on why I get to feeling so sad. I think it must be a combination of several things. Several things that I could deal with normally and be ok with,  but with the surge of hormones it makes it feel debilitating. I try to talk myself through it and resolve things in my head, but it still feels like I'm sitting under a big, thick and heavy blanket, and sometimes the best I can do to get out is pick at the seems.  I think Zach has a hard time understanding how it makes me feel, and he always tries to make me feel better, but if I were him I don't think I could really understand it either.
This week I've had a hard time sleeping because I just can't turn my thinker off. My feet have also started swelling, probably thanks to the heat, and just recently I discovered stretch marks on my breast.
You might be thinking, "wow you sure complain a lot about something you wanted, and something you should be grateful for." And often people tell me, "well this is what you wanted!"
It is possible to realize that I'm the luckiest woman alive to get to carry my precious baby, and at the same time struggle and hurt dealing with the burdens of pregnancy. I hope that I don't come off as just complaining, because my intent is to share in the ups and downs of this journey, not just the golden times. I've never understood before how you can feel altogether grateful and miserable at the same time. I love my son, and I can't beat myself up about having hard days because I should "just be grateful." It's ok for me to hurt. It's worse to be hurting and resent myself for it, than to just accept that not every day is going to feel great, and that's OK.
I'm terrified of postpartum. I'm afraid that adjusting to being a mom is going to be overwhelming and I'll be afraid to admit it. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself after I take care of my son.
I don't know what to expect, and women rarely talk openly about true postpartum experiences because usually people just want to know how the baby is doing. But I care! I care how mom's are doing. I mean I love to see your newborn pictures,  but I always wonder if the mom is struggling. I know it isn't as easy as Facebook makes it seem. One day your huge and pregnant and the next your just a mom easy-peasy just like that. Or maybe it is that easy for some, but I'm guessing that isn't the case for every mom.
I love my baby. I love that he is mine and my husband's and Uriah is the best thing that we have. I'm thankful for my husband's support, and my family's support (sorry for all the depressing texts lately Mollie.) I love how you all understand me and don't make me feel like a bad person for struggling sometimes.
I did get to go have my midwife inspect the certain situation I was telling you about last week. She said it's completely normal! Yay! 

This weekend Zach and I had planned on going camping. We were pretty excited about it. Every campground in Oregon that took reservations was booked, so we thought we could find a spot at a little no-reservations campground somewhere around Oakridge. WRONG. We were very wrong. We ended up driving 7 hours for no campsite. After checking about 10 campsites we accepted our defeat and drove home. Reggie probably thinks we are crazy. I will say for the record, there was only one I would have wanted to stay at anyways. So for further camping spots we will not be looking to Oakridge again. No way, no how. We did spend some quality time in the car together, but a good deal of that was spent being disappointed that we didn't find a spot. Upon pulling into our driveway I was overcome with the hugest laughing outburst I've had in a very long time. I was crying I was laughing so hard, and I could barely park the car because I couldn't see through my tears. The hilarity that we had driven 7 hours just to return home was too much for me to handle. I think I needed a really good laugh after a not so great week. Zach didn't think it was as funny as I did. What can I say? I'm easily amused I guess. When we got home we took Reggie to the river and made some dinner. Neither of us had any desire to watch fireworks. We didn't feel like putting up with the crowds, and they hurt my ears anyways. Reggie was a champ with the fireworks. He didn't even care. We had a nice day together, we didn't get a picture in matching red, white, and blue outfits, but we got to spend time together, and that was nice! Tomorrow we are going to go hiking. Hopefully I can keep up with the husband and the dog!