I can breath today

Parts of yesterday (before an incident ruined it) and today I've felt more light than I have in weeks. I feel like joy is just right there for me. It's not hidden and buried too deeply for me to be able to touch. 

I think the reason being is a few things. I think my medication is starting to work. And if you've never used antidepressants please don't assume you know how they work. Also I have been going to therapy twice weekly and my session on Friday was very enlightening. It was very very very hard to process. But it gave me hope and some understanding. And I'm so grateful for my therapist who has helped me uncover things that I would have never figured out in a million years. 

If I were to try to sum up what I learned... It would be: I have a voice and my voice is valid and my voice is ok. I need to use my voice instead of stuffing it away in fear of how it will be received. I cannot control how people receive my voice, but that isn't my responsibility, and I cannot guess how they will respond.

My relationships with my family and friends are the number one most important thing to me. I have been trying to create peace for everyone and a lot of times that has meant stifling my voice. I do this with my husband, my in laws, my family, pretty much everyone. What I know as truth is that it doesn't have to be this way, and we can all have loving fulfilling relationships, where I don't have to choke myself out of speaking. 

It's hard for me to imagine how that is possible. But I have hope I will figure it out with help. I should also say no one but me has squashed my voice. At some point I decided things flowed smoother without my opinion and I know now that isn't healthy.

That being said. I'm protecting myself from people who are hurtful to me and my family. And I'm trying to speak my words as they come so I don't bottle them until they come out screaming.

Today I am hopeful. Today I'm thankful that God has given me people in my life who love me so much and have been so helpful in getting me the help I need. Today is going to be a good day. Uriah and I are trying to make friends with our horsey neighbor, but we do not know his name. And I have no idea how you call a horse over to you. So far "here boy!" Isn't working.