Anger

The past few days I've been at or in between anger at other people and hating myself. I've always hated being angry. I don't know what to do with anger and I've always thought anger is bad, or selfish so I try to stay away from it.

My therapist pointed out that there is a good reason why we have anger and that it is ok to be angry.

Stop right there. It's ok for me to be angry. See it still sounds strange for me to say that. 

She also told me that depression only sees black or white. And I'm struggling with that as well. Everything feels very wrong or very right and I'm trying to tell myself it isn't that simple. 

I feel very fortunate for all of the people who have reached out to me saying they are thinking about me and that they have been there as well. I feel like the number of people who love me and support me should be the only "cure" I need. Just knowing that so many people love me and love my family should be enough for me. And I feel selfish that every day is still so damn hard. Like I'm not feeling the love enough. Admitting this makes me hate myself and resent myself. I feel like a fraud because there are so many loved ones wanting to help and I have nothing to tell them. I struggle with not wanting to be alone and at the same time having anxiety around my friends and family because I don't know what to do with my face which emotion to display. And how to avoid talking about how I've been. I don't want to lie, but I know most people don't know how to respond to me if I were to be completely honest. 

I'm going back and forth on whether or not to delete my fb for awhile. On one hand it brings me joy to see pictures of everyone and their families and pets. On the other hand there are things that pop up that make me want to throw up. News articles and well intended but extremely awful blogs making me feel worse about my depression because at least I have a baby. It's a gamble.