Mucking through it.

Today got started much too early. We drove up to Salem at 6:30 and signed some stuff, then went to our new house and looked stuff over. It was clean and empty and ready to be filled with little erg big Moose messes from room to room. It felt like it could be home very easily. But my body felt like it was dying.

I'm so embarrassed that this is so hard for me. People do this all the time. People move, people work through their problems and they manage. I cannot do that right now, and I'm trying to give myself grace, I'm trying, but it's so freaking hard. 

I've been going to therapy twice a week. And I think I get why I've found myself here, but recovering from this seems IMPOSSIBLE. I don't even know what recovery would look like and it's terrifying. It seems like too much work to get there. It seems like it's unattainable. I feel like I would be a different person.

I had a really intense therapy session today. I wasn't expecting it at all. It kind of rocked me and I'm still trying to process what happened. 

Essentially. I've lost my voice. Which sounds crazy, because I am proud of the words I can write. But I've been struggling with speaking lately. Words don't come to my tongue when I need them to. I try to make humor and I can't deliver it. It's rough. I want to be able to talk freely again. I want to be able to talk to people about what's going on. But the words don't come. I can barely make conversation some times. It's embarrassing and excruciating. It makes me want to hide and sleep. I feel trapped in this body that can't feel alive and well. It shouldn't be this hard.