The battle

Here I am. Sitting on the floor. Trying to scrape up a story about how I got here. But the truth is I don't really know.

I know there is a lot of things occupying my space. A lot of riddles I've been trying to solve. But very suddenly I found myself spun out. I can't cope anymore. I'm hurting because I feel shut off and incapable of doing really anything. I wish I was strong and I wish I could soldier on. I can't though. I don't even know how I used to do it. I'm feeling helpless and I feel like I will be here forever. I don't know how to recover from this.

This is very foreign to me. But it just hurts. I know I'm not the support that I could be right now, to my husband, to my son, my family and my friends. It hurts that I can't talk about things with them because it hurts me to try to force words out.

It is unbearable not being able to express myself. To describe how I'm feeling. To work through challenges. It's crippling. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a fraud in my marriage because I'm not who I am supposed to be right now. I can't get away from the guilt and the feeling of failure no matter how many people tell me otherwise. 

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate even writing this because I don't want to burden anyone else with this weight. 

I'll just continue to push through somehow. I don't know what that looks like. But I'll keep trying.