My attempt at writing.

This is really scary for me. I'm going to try to tell you what's going on right now. I'm going to try to write it down. Even though it sucks. If you were to see my thoughts you would see a lot of dead ends. When I try to do something that is even a little tricky I just shut down. I can't think. I couldn't make dinner.

I didn't know where to start. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make my brain move my hands to start doing something. It just shut down and closed up and I froze. Couldn't do it.

I tried to talk to my sister today. I tried to tell her. But I just kept saying I don't know. I would start talking about what was hurting me but then I couldn't. Pause after pause. The words wouldn't even come to my mouth when I needed them to tell someone what I was feeling.

It kinda feels like nothing I guess. My brain won't let me go anywhere. It just shuts down. It can't figure it out so it doesn't try. I guess. 

I tried to call my mom and I tried to read an email. It was painful and I felt like an idiot trying to talk normally. 

I can't express myself. I can't speak well right now. Writing is better. 

I've never felt like this before and it scares the shit out of me. I don't know what to expect, but I want it to stop. And I just keep thinking I'll wake up and be able to feel again and think logically. 

I think this isn't what I expected it to feel like. It's worse than sad. It just sucks and any attempt at handling any situation is a failure. My brain won't let me go there. I don't want to go there because I can't figure it out. Dead ends everywhere. I just want to fix it and write about what's troubling me. But I can't cope. No cope left here.

I'm thankful for all the support from my friends and family. I'm thankful for all the love and cute and funny pictures today. I'm thankful for all the people reaching out sending me messages. 

They make me smile, and I'm appreciative. They were perfect escapes from the dead ends. I feel so blessed that you all love me and want to help. I smiled so much more today because of you. I felt a little closer to happy today because of you. I felt like there is happy out there and you all have it and I'll get it to and it made it feel tangible. Seeing you all love your kids and cats and dogs and have good days. It was good. I know I'll have those good days and feel that peace again. I wish it was easier to get there. I wish there was another way. But you guys made it tangible. I am loved and carried by you all when I can't feel it for myself. So thank you for sharing. I feel horribly exposed knowing you know, but I know you guys can help me better this way. And even though I'm trying to be transparent, I really don't want to talk about it. It makes me very uncomfortable. I am supposed to have an appointment tomorrow. It's supposed to be 90 minutes and I don't think I can make enough words to last that long. I imagine wanting to disappear into the wall so I don't have to talk about it. I really don't want to. I can't deal with what is going on and I'd rather just ignore it and push it further away. 

And by the way "it" all these things i need to deal with. They are nothing. Mundane things that I can't handle. And it makes me angry and very frustrated that I can't handle it. It makes me hate myself.

And when I start to feel like I hate myself I try to turn around and that's where the dead end leaves me. And that's why I know I need help. I know I'm a decent person. I don't enjoy feeling this way. But at the same time I don't want to deal with it. Because I can't. I just can't.

So that's the ugly. I think when I feel better I'll want to have conversations about it. But that's where I'm at.