Getting derailed

It seems like I'll never settle into these new bones. I don't feel like I can relate to who I was two months ago. Or even ten minutes ago. I feel completely different. As if I had amnesia and everyone expects me to be the person I was and I don't know who that person was. 

My mind flows like the tide. One minute hopeful and the next minute trying to avoid thinking about anything. Trying to identify the voice saying I suck at life as the depression. Trying not to dwell on how much I hate myself in those moments. Just trying to make it till the tide comes back around.

It seems as though I'll feel like I'm getting ahead and getting better. But then it really doesn't take much to derail me. Just a penny on a track is all it takes. 

I try to go through the motions even when I feel like burrowing beneath the earth and hiding. I'll get up and clean and make dinner and maybe leave the house. I try to do what I would want to do if I weren't feeling like a pile of poo. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud. 

My sweet perfect baby boy is teething. He's got drool coming out like a faucet, and he is biting the shit out of my nipple. It freaking hurts, but I don't think he will ever stop doing it. He only gets more upset when I put him down. Breastfeeding is hard, but being a baby is way harder. I think I'm going to get myself a "breastfeeding for a year" present because my boobs have gone through a lot and this shit is hard freaking work and I deserve it. I wish I would have counted how many nursing sessions Moose has had. I think I'll ask God when I get to heaven. And I'll thank him for being able to do it. Even though I keep getting bitten. 

He's still the best most sweetest Moose ever. I love him more than anything.