Tiring days

Today I made myself get out of the house. I've been really struggling with doing this, and I'm not sure why. My therapist asked me to write down the thoughts that were preventing me from leaving so that we could trouble shoot next week. I did so when I was getting ready, and I had a list that was much longer than I thought it would be.

I should have left the house on a week day, but today just happens to be Saturday, and it was so busy in town. 

I went to a clothing store, and then I went to the mall. I also went to Willamette Valley Fruit company where we found some pumpkins for Moose to play with.

It was very stressful being in public. I felt invisible, and embarrassed about my own presence. As if everyone knew I was terrified. I just wanted to sink away.

The way home was about 25 minutes of my poor boy screaming. He won't nurse in public anymore. He gets too distracted, no matter where I try to hide us. So when we went home I think he realized how hungry he was. It's so hard listening to him cry. 

When we got home he took a nap and I tried to talk myself down. I'm feeling like a failure. It's very frustrating not being able to do simple things that normally would be easy. I'm feeling like I need to spend ten days in hibernation. It's terrifying that we will be gone all day tomorrow. 

I'm also dealing with side effects from A medication and Moose and I both woke up with head colds. My immune system is good for nothing, and I've been sleeping terribly.