The darkness

I am so tired of being sick. It's really starting to get me down. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's hard to work when I feel like crap. I need to find the motivation to think positively about getting pregnant, but these viruses are killing my mental health as well as my physical health. I'm over here wallowing in a dark pit of the endless cold. I wish I had the immune system my husband has. He is a tank.
On the bright side of things I got to wear my Santa sweater vest today at work, and I was matching with one of my residents! Aren't we precious?

Oh Facebook

I did something that I've never done before.. EVER! I deleted my Facebook. It's crazy, I only thought about it for about ten minutes, but that is all it took for me to realize how much Facebook was hurting me.
First of all, every time I see a pregnancy announcement it makes me happy/sad/frustrated because I'm legitimately happy for whoever it is, but it reminds me how I'm not pregnant yet, and frustrated because I've been trying, and it hasn't happened yet. I'm a selfish person because I can't leave it at being happy for them without feeling bad for myself. I'm terrible. Anyways, it will be better for me not to see it so I don't get anxious.
Another thing that is really bothering me is how people present themselves on Facebook. Please don't fill your Facebook with all this Bologna about how your life is perfect. Nobody's life is perfect, we all live imperfect, slightly crazy, lives. And that is what makes life beautiful. Don't try and present yourself as perfect. You don't have to prove yourself or your relationship on Facebook. Cause I'm not buying it anyways. I'm not saying don't be happy, because I love happy posts!
Just be realistic about it for Pete's sake!
I read a post today from someone who was going on and on about how their wife was the "best wife ever."
I'm not sure if this bothered me more because he is saying (indirectly) I am a worse wife, or because his wife was confiding in me about how she was struggling in their relationship just a few days prior. Everyone has their ups and downs, and that's ok, but please don't imply that every other wife out there is worse than yours. Truthfully, this really shouldn't bother me, but it does, and dumb Facebook stuff like this is why I deleted it. Now it doesn't have to bother me.
I suppose I should go apologize to my husband for getting mad at him for deleting his fb a few weeks ago.
Here is to being happier and not wasting my time.

The Ups and Downs

I would be lying if I said preparing for a baby was easy. Every day there is something that stresses me out when I think about providing for a baby. There is so much I need to work on. Finances, shopping, cooking, I really need to step up my domestic skills. Sometimes I even wonder, "Is this what I really want?" My answer is yes. One of the reasons why I was really horrible at school was because I was HORRIFIED of challenges. If I knew there was the slightest chance I might fail at something I just tried to avoid it altogether. It may sound silly, but it is REALLY hard for me to rise to a challenge. I don't consider myself a go-getter and that is something I really need to work on. My sisters are great inspiration for me because they have incredible domestic skills. As many good pieces of advise they give me, I really have to dig deeper and try harder to want to make the sacrifices to make it happen. I need to stop being afraid of making sacrifices.
I'll tell you what, whenever I do get pregnant, it won't be just a 9 month pregnancy, because I have already put 3 months worth of preparing for a baby into this. And it  hasn't been easy, and it honestly makes me sad sometimes. So to those of you who didn't have to wait to get pregnant, you are lucky. But maybe I might just be more prepared... If you could ever even reeeally prepare yourself anyways. Maybe it will happen this month, but I can't afford to get my hopes up.

Keep moving forward

So another month down and still not pregnant. We are patiently waiting, but in the mean time God had been answering some of our other prayers. For instance we have been praying for other job opportunities for myself because being pregnant at a memory care facility is one of the worst places to be pregnant. First of all because of the smell... Won't pair well with morning sickness. Also germs spread insanely fast there (I get sick all the time) and it is pretty intense lifting that much all day. I talked to my amazing cousin (pretty much sister) Samantha about getting a job at her work (Playtos closet) and whamo she got me a job. I start tonight at 5. I'm nervous about all the driving, but it's a great opportunity.
Zach and I are still preparing emotionally for a baby, so although it's sad, I'm ok with not being pregnant yet.

Thanksgiving

We had a very lovely Thanksgiving yesterday. We got to spend time with the Gilberts and the LaMonicas and in our annual football game the Gilberts won (naturally.) We all were reminded how out of shape we are and ran around enough to work up a mean appetite for some turkey. The turkey did not disappoint. All the good was incredibly good, and I just wished I had more room to put more of it.
Zach and I got to meet Nic and Lauren's baby Zoey. She is so cute it made my womb hurt. She was just the sweetest thing. It was also nice hanging out with little Carson.
Having the family together is so warming, and Zach's side if the family truly is my side of the family, they all are so loving and so welcoming, and it's obvious I'm just another piece of the family. I still really missed my Goyer fam bam. My sisters and my momma and my dad are so awesome and I hate not seeing them on holidays. It makes me sad.
It's black Friday, and I'm going to be working at the vineyard this weekend, away from all the crazies (I used to be one.) Hopefully we will get a lot of customers!
Oh yeah, I officially changed my name last week to Gilbert. I'm still getting used to it. It is actually really hard to write while signing things, try it sometime.

Panda Express

Today my dear friend and co-worker brought me lunch from panda express. After work I tried to take a nap, and whamo! Nauseous. Thank you panda. This made me really realize how terrified I am to get morning sickness. Maybe I will be one of the lucky ones, but all the luck in my family has gone to my dear ol dad. He has a weird way of winning things.
Anyways, i feel bad for those of you who had to struggle through morning sickness, I feel like a giant baby when panda express makes my tummy upset, so I do not know how you do it!
In other news, I'm officially changing my name tomorrow. I feel kinda sad about not being a Goyer anymore, and I really need to get used to saying Gilbert. It's one of those names that just sounds silly when you say it too many times..... I hope you just tried it.

Enjoying the moment I'm in

It has been confirmed that I am not pregnant, and at first I was a tad bit sad. Zach and I have been praying that our baby will come by God's timing only, and so far that means not yet ha ha. I feel like I wasted about three weeks of my life sitting around wondering if I was pregnant or not and I could have been using that time to be doing something productive, or just being thankful for what I do have (the world's most handsome husband and the cutest, best behaved dog there ever was) Zach and I have also been praying that God prepares us to be parents, so pretty much I'm just waiting to be knocked off my feet with a challenge. (go easy on me Lord!)
Every day that I'm not pregnant is another day that I can prepare for it. My sisters, as most of you know, are incredible mommies, and they have a wealth of knowledge on all things mommy and baby. They are so awesome and I love them a lot!
Oh, and I'm not going to lie... The one thing that made me feel better about not being pregnant was knowing that I at least had a few more weeks to drink wine. I'm sorry, I just really love wine, and I will miss it when baby comes.
Another thing that I've been thinking about is how "everyone is getting pregnant now" and you see lots of new Moms on Facebook. There are three types of facebookers. Those who are pregnant, those who wish they were pregnant, and last but not least, those who think the rest of us are just following a trend. I used to be the last, now I'm the second and I have realized, those who are becoming mommies are not following a trend, they are just doing what they would have done even if there was no Facebook.
People have always pro created and now it is just more public, and people tend to brag about their cute babies more because it's easier to do it on Facebook (brag away friends, I love your baby pictures.)
This month I'm going to enjoy every day and not get bogged down wondering if I'm pregnant. Especially Thanksgiving, I'm going to eat more than I should, and kick some serious butt in mud football. My in-laws won't know what hit them.