Being Pregnant..... A poem for a hurting family

Someone I care about lost their sweet baby at 33 weeks gestation. I haven't been able to wrap my mind around what happened, or what this beautiful family must be going through. All I can muster in my mind, is that sweet baby Nolan experienced his life of 33 weeks surrounded by love and joy. Although his life was much too short, I don't believe that there could be a better way to spend his 33 weeks than growing in his mommy's belly and feeling all the love poured on him from not just mommy, daddy, and his big brother, but their entire community of friends and family who loved little Nolan before they even met him. I have been praying like crazy for those who are hurting, and I hope healing comes soon. I wrote this poem because I never understood these things about pregnancy before 23 weeks ago when I found out I was expecting my own little guy, and I realize now how precious each little life is, no matter how small.

Being pregnant is giving yourself over completely

to a precious life who knows and feels only your heart.

Being pregnant is knowing that the little heartbeat in your womb

is everything that you hope for.

Being pregnant is letting your baby experience love

before ever knowing what love is.

Being pregnant is loving more profoundly,

for your baby feels every ounce of joy that love brings.

Being pregnant is knowing that you grow more than bones and skin

but a soul that develops on it's mother's and father's love.

Being pregnant is being vulnerable to the life that you carry

that holds a piece of your heart within it.
Being pregnant is not just carrying a baby who's heart influences just yours and your husband's,
but every person who loves that sweet, sweet life within you.

22 Weeks

This week the husband and I got to celebrate our first anniversary! We have been joking about it for awhile. I guess you could say we aren't too impressed with ourselves for staying married a year, because well, it was easy! Of course we have had our ups and downs, and our share of disagreements, but overall, we share a common goal, and I just love the snot out of my husband.
We went out to dinner on Monday to celebrate and talk about our year. We shared our favorite moments, what we learned and what we didn't expect. Looking back it is funny to both of us how we decided after being married for 4 whole months that we were ready to start our family. If you had asked us on our wedding day when we wanted kids we would have told you, "In a couple years!" Call us crazy, but we haven't regretted it. It felt like the only thing we were supposed to do. I often wonder where we would be, or what we would be doing if we didn't decide to start our family. Preparing to be mommy and daddy has changed who we are as individuals, and also as a couple. Our whole way of thinking now has to accommodate a tiny little human who we get to raise to be a loving, responsible, and kind adult. I know that to keep our sanity I will have to take care of my husband's needs just as much as I will tend to Uriah's needs. And Zach will do the same for me.
One of the reasons why I love my husband is that he understands me. He called my sister for help with my present for our anniversary. He told her he didn't want to get me jewelry because he knew I would appreciate something I can use more, and he wanted some ideas. Well he ended up getting me 4 camis (I wear them everyday and my old ones do not cover the bump anymore) a new maternity maxi skirt, because those things are like heaven I tell you, HEAVEN, and he got Uriah two adorable outfits. I was swooning. He really listens to what I want, and didn't just get me flowers. I really dislike getting flowers from him. I feel like it is the most unromantic thing he could do for me. Maxi skirt for the win! Also it was just pretty impressive what he picked out for our son to wear. I'm pretty sure we will use one outfit for his going home get-up. It was pretty cool imagining that in 4 months we are going to have a baby to put in that cute little onesie.
I love my marriage, I'm so grateful for the support I receive from my husband. My husband has given me so many fantastic gifts over the years, but I'm pretty sure the best gift he will have given me won't be here for about 4 more months!

21er!

Pregnancy is starting to become more beautiful and more enjoyable with each kick and wiggle my little guy gives to me. It is seriously the best thing ever. I can now feel where my little guy is most of the time, and if he is close to the top I can feel him from the outside. It is so cool feeling my baby from the outside. Zach keeps telling me he is going to come out with little bruises because I keep poking him. The mornings are the best when I get to "sleep in" because if I lay on my back then Uriah usually floats to the top and I can feel the whole length of his body. It is unbearably exciting and I tell him how much I love him and I rub where I guess that his little back is. I feel like I am already getting to know my son even though I can't see him. I love this stage of pregnancy. I LOVE it.
People are regularly asking me about my pregnancy without me saying anything, and it makes me proud of my little guy for growing so big, and making me feel so beautiful. I'm trying to enjoy every minute because I know that I will miss being pregnant, and I will miss feeling my baby growing inside of me. Pregnancy is so often uncomfortable, and it makes me feel crazy sometimes, so I'm really trying to focus on the positive.
A few of my friends had their babies recently, and it puts things into perspective for me. Things like, I won't be pregnant FOREVER and I WILL have my baby one day. I always thought 9 months was no time at all, but now it feels like eternity.
Zach and I got to babysit for my sister while she and her hubby went on a date. Zach was carrying around Wesley, my 7 month old nephew, in the ergo carrier and it was one of the best things I've ever seen. He is going to be such a great dad, and I can't wait to see him with our son. It will also be fun to watch Reggie with a baby because he is already so great with Wesley. Yesterday Wesley grabbed on to Reggie's leg and pulled himself up to standing and Reggie just stood there and let it happen. He is a good dog. He has a licking problem, but he is a good dog.
Zach and I have started talking about what we will do when mister Uriah comes as far as work goes. Ideally I don't want to have to work for awhile (9 months to a year) after he comes, but we also gotta pay those bills! So far we are just working on saving money, but we are praying that God shows us exactly what we need to do. God has been so faithful in showing us our path, and I have peace (at least for right now) that he will continue to do so. Worst case scenario? Uriah is going to be spoiled completely rotten by his grandmas while I'm working and pumping that milk.
I had another appointment last week at Bella Vie to check in and see how I was doing. They asked the usual questions, are you constipated? Any swelling? How are you feeling? We also talked about the appointment I had with the doctor in Beaverton and some of the symptoms that have been bothering me. I explained that overall I felt fine, and when I started nit-picking my symptoms it started to stress me out and make me feel inadequate about myself. My midwife encouraged me to look at the big picture and trust my body instead of stressing out about symptoms. I got to meet the rest of my birth team at the appointment, and I feel awesome about my labor already. Would you think I was crazy if I told you I look forward to my labor and delivery? Because I do! I can't wait to bring this baby into the world, and although I'm sure it will hurt, my body is strong and capable, and I can do it! I'm not afraid of the pain, or the struggle, or what might go wrong, I'm just excited to deliver my Uriah like a champ! I have no reason to be afraid.

Not your typical FOOD blog.

Ever since I've been pregnant I've had to become even more aware of what goes into my body because now, obviously, I'm not just feeding myself. I guess you could say I'm a fairly typical eater, I go out to eat every once in awhile, only fast food once every two months. I prepare my own food at home most of the time, but that doesn't mean it's healthy all the time.
I had a doctor tell me recently that I have low blood sugar and I am also anemic. I was really disappointed to hear this because I feel like I'm doing a bad job at giving myself and my baby the nutrition we need. It hasn't been easy for me to eat during this pregnancy because I only want to eat when I'm REALLY hungry, and then when I do eat I don't eat very much. I have also been craving sweets like a mad woman.
I've also been struggling with juggling everyone's opinion about what I should or shouldn't be eating. I've found during pregnancy people will tell you what you should and should not be eating. I've found this incredibly frustrating, and it's hard to not take offense to what people say. I work at a coffee shop and I have CHOSEN to not drink caffeinated espresso. Why? Because it dehydrates me and makes me jittery when I haven't eaten a lot. I do not believe that drinking a cup of coffee or two a day is in any way going to hurt my baby. Some women don't give up coffee at all, and drink tons of it, and they have healthy happy babies and they don't spend 9 months being grumpy because of it. Does this stop anyone from making comments to me about not drinking coffee? No! I hear things like, "Oh no, that's not for you is it?" Or, "I hope that's decaf!" I have a couple ways I could chose to respond, I could either inform them it's not for me, or it is decaf, and they would feel justified in saying something. I could inform them on caffeine's effect on a baby and how a cup of coffee won't hurt my baby, and then they would judge me anyways, or I could just play along and again, they would be glad they saved my poor fetus from shrinking to death. None of these makes me feel any better, and so I hate when people say things to me about coffee. It's as if they HAVE to say something, like they MUST address the situation or it's awkward if they don't.
I've also had a couple people ask me if I'm "allowed" to have fish. Most of the time I don't feel like preaching to them about mercury, and how it's found in a couple kinds of fish, and how many great things there are in fish for everyone, not just pregnant women, and fish should be eaten at least once a week and blah blah blah. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier for me if I had done no research and just been a pregnant little sheep who didn't think for herself or do any research on anything so that I would be blissfully unaware of how people like to keep pregnant women in a box.
All of these things have been dwindling away my confidence in myself and my ability to take care of myself and my family, and I wonder, will I ever be one of those moms who can consistently prepare healthy meals for my family? Will I ever be able to stop eating sugars and processed foods every once in awhile? Is it ok if I don't?
I hate that I feel this way, but I know nutrition is something I need to work on. I've been trying to figure out how to make eating right functional for us, and it isn't easy. I don't want to eat right for the sake of bragging about it on Instagram or Facebook. I need to find a way to being committed to making permanent changes in our diet. If I get there, I'll let you know. I know it isn't something that is going to happen overnight, and subtle progressive changes are what is going to last. I also know that I have to stop feeling so guilty about everything and just try my best, but it's easy to be brought down by people's words, and I have to learn to shake it off, 'cause you all know they aren't going to stop saying things. I'm trying to become a stronger woman, and confidence doesn't come easy to me. I want to make a difference by not being someone who says belittling things to other women, but being encouraging and not judging other women. Mistakes are inevitable, but I hope people think of me as someone who is supportive and nice, and someone who isn't perfect, but tries her best.

HALFWAY!!!

Well, this has certainly been the most exciting 20 weeks of my life! It seems like ages ago when I got that positive pregnancy test, and we have come so far since then. My little Sprout has grown to the size of a banana, and is kicking me and being a crazy little baby already.
This week was pretty emotional. I thought I was over the moodies, but I guess not. I had a doctors appointment in Beaverton on Thursday and it went well up until I had to sit there and wait for another blood draw... I just REALLY didn't want them to draw blood again. I'm not even afraid of needles, I just didn't want them too. I was being a giant baby, and I honestly wanted to cry. I didn't, but I wanted to! My doctor is having me take a bunch of supplements to help with my stomach, and I'm also on iron now because apparently I'm anemic. I have to swallow a lot of pills now, and sometimes they make me gag. It ain't cute, and it takes me about 15 minutes to get them all down. YUCK. My doctor informed me that I have low blood sugar which means I need to eat every 2 hours which is a lot harder than it sounds. I'm never hungry that often and it isn't fun to eat when I'm not hungry. But seriously, every two hours? Ain't nobody got time for that!
I also got sick on Friday, so I'm still recovering from a cold. The good thing about the cold is that I can't even feel my heartburn thanks to all the mucus! YAY mucus! I spent the entirety of Saturday and Sunday on the couch. It was exciting.
My bump is huge now! I love it, I love it so much! I really feel pregnant and not fat. I feel like my skin has been stretching more so my stomach doesn't feel so tight after I eat. Uriah is just making himself at home in there, and I love his company.
I have another prenatal appointment tomorrow, and I look forward to another meeting with my awesome midwife. I'm almost done reading Ina May's guide to childbirth, and I have learned SO MUCH! This book is a lot more than I expected it to be. Have any of you other moms read it? If not you should! I love teaching Zach about the things I read. It makes me feel oh so smart!
I am looking forward to the next 20 weeks. More growing and learning, and falling more in love with this guy I haven't even met yet. The more I experience life the more I learn about the depths of love. I am excited to see my son for the first time and know what it feels like to hold my baby, something that I created with my husband, and love my son so completely that there is no greater feeling. That will be the day, but until then, I'll keep rocking this baby bump, and enjoy the ride.

Also, this awkward picture happened, I think it's funny though, so I must share!

Nice photobomb Reg.

19 weeks

Today I am 19 weeks pregnant. Every week, like so many other pregnant women, I like to look at my handy dandy pregnancy app (who am I kidding, I have at least 3) and see how big the baby is. I used to think, "how cute, a little raspberry" but now I am like, "MANGO? Where am I supposed to fit that?" I feel like my belly isn't growing fast enough. I cannot eat a lot, and I cannot take a deep breath. I knew these were all things that happened when you got pregnant, but I was expecting this at like 30 weeks, not 19.
Zach was able to feel Uriah move for the first time on Mother's day. It was such an awesome experience. He got really excited and immediately put his head on my tummy and started talking to him. He was pretty impressed with his little son's brute strength to kick through so many layers to say hi to him. I can feel Uriah moving all throughout the day now. I can tell when he is sleeping and when he is awake, and I can tell that he finally has budged from his curled up position on the bottom. I got a video of him kicking me and you can see my belly rise from the outside. For some reason I think this is the best thing ever. It is the best feeling to feel my son getting stronger and stronger. I love being able to feel where he is hanging out, and wondering whether he is kicking or punching. I think pregnancy is incredible (yeah, I know, I'm one of THOSE women) and growing a baby is really cool.
Another first this week is that someone noticed I was pregnant for the first time without me saying anything to them! It was one of my customers at work, and she said it wasn't that I was huge or anything, she said there is just a "way about me." and she could "just tell." It was probably one of the best things anyone has said to me, because sometimes pregnancy really isn't cute, and I feel awkward about my body. But moments like that I'm like, "Hell yeah, I'm a beautiful vessel of life!"
This week we also celebrated Mothers Day together. It was a lovely day. Usually I tell Zach what I want for whatever occasion presents itself (birthday, Christmas, V-day etc.) but last sunday was different because I'm not entirely a mom yet.. You know? So it's kinda different. Anyways, Zach was really sweet to me all day and made me feel very warm and special and loved. He took me to get a new cell phone because I couldn't hear out of my old one, and I wanted a nicer camera before my gorgeous, super-model, perfect baby came, so that I could capture every ounce of beauty. So I upgraded to the Samsung Galaxy S5 and it's great, so happy Mother's day to me. We also had dinner at my in-laws. The night before I got to see my incredible sisters, and my mommy and we celebrated being moms together. I really love all of the women in my life. I also got the best surprise ever in my mailbox on Mothers day. It was a cute little onesie with a bow tie on it, and it says, "ladies man" on it. It was accompanied by the sweetest card from my best friend Aloura. It was exactly what I needed that morning because I woke up feeling really grumpy. I'm so thankful for her because even though we live so far away from each other I still feel so connected to her, and I always know that she is rooting for me. She is the best.
Today was SO NICE! I woke up and went to hangout with my mother in law Julie, and we did a little bit of weed pulling in the garden. We also made Strawberry freezer jam, and made a collage of a bunch of adorable pictures of my brother in law for his graduation party. We went to lunch together and also did a bit of shopping. I realize how fortunate I am to have such loving in laws, and I'm very thankful for all of them.
I also got to go outside and lay (uncomfortably) in the grass and play fetch with Reggie. I soaked up some vitamin D and I read a book that my mother in law(Caron) sent to me for mothers day that I have been wanting to read called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. So far the book is very interesting, and I am really enjoying it!
This week I have a doctor's appointment to talk about my symptoms, and hopefully get some advise about them. Next week is my next prenatal appointment, and the week after is my ANATOMY SCAN! I can't wait to see my little Uriah Blaine again!

Week 18, Month 5

This week has already been better than the last! I was under some serious stress last week, and it wasn't helping my symptoms. I'm really glad I was honest with my post because the out-pouring of support and advise from all of you followers was so encouraging. Sometimes it is really hard to focus on anything besides what is going on with my crazy body, but it was nice to hear such encouraging words and hear other mommies stories as well. It helps put everything into perspective. So, thank you to all of you who were so kind to me, and also those of you who have been praying for me and my little Uriah.
It's kinda funny, before I got pregnant I always looked at mothers as like this sort of cult, like they all talked about diapers and crawling and first words, and the only way to relate to them was by having a kid. I was also afraid of most moms because a lot of moms come with very strong opinions on just about everything. I was afraid of being judged for making my own parenting decisions. What I didn't expect was how amazingly encouraging moms are. I've never once felt alone in this journey, and for that I am so grateful. I also have learned that although I will be judged for making some decisions, I really could care less. I am very confident in making decisions for my family. I also have learned to respect other mommies for making their own decisions for their families too. Now that I'm having a baby I realize that for every decision there is to make about parenthood, there are a million circumstances that influence the decider. I speak for myself and my family only about whats best for us, and sometimes only myself, because believe it or not, Zach and I don't agree on everything, shocker, right?
I've been thinking a lot about all of the first-trimester mommies out there who are experiencing the newness of pregnancy, but haven't announced it yet because of the fear of miscarriage. Thank goodness I had my sisters, my family, and my best friends to help me through that stage because the 1st trimester is rough! I wish women felt more comfortable announcing their pregnancies sooner for this reason. I actually wanted to announce sooner than I did because I was SO EXCITED about it, but I felt like people would judge me for doing it so early. How sad is that? So if you are in your first trimester and want to talk about how crazy pregnancy is with someone, talk to me because I know how you feel, and no one should have to feel like they have to hide such an exciting thing from everyone.
On that note, if anyone is trying to conceive a baby read all of my blogs on how frustrating it is. IT SUCKS! And I only had to try for four months before we got our little guy. I won't tell you to "just don't stress about it, it will happen" because I know that isn't helpful. Not everyone gets pregnant immediately, and people don't talk publicly about the struggle to get pregnant because it's a tough journey. It should be talked about because women going through this need support. Every month when I cried because I got my period I needed the support from my family and friends, and I'm lucky to have them, but not everyone does. For some it's a silent battle, and if that's you, I'm here for you!
Anyways! I have been feeling better, I'm not as dizzy and my heart palpitations aren't bothering me like they were because I'm kinda getting used to it. My dreams have also gotten a lot better and I think it is because I've let go of a lot of stress. I talked to my midwife and I am still going to go to a doctor to talk about my symptoms and the possibility of me having an ulcer. It helps that my little guy is SO strong now, and when he kicks me I really feel it, and it is the most comforting thing ever before I fall asleep. He is already such a sweet baby for helping me feel better, thanks bud.
I have so much to look forward to for this pregnancy and although it is going to be a HOT summer with a huge belly (sweat EVERYwhere) we have so many fun things going on. I'm excited for many weekends with family, and a camping trip with Uriah's Aunty Lola and Uncle Dustin in Washington. He is a lucky little fetus.