One Month Young

The first month has come and gone. It's been hard, it's been a little bit crazy, but mostly it's been beautiful. We've had some good days and some rough days, but everyday we figure it out a little more.
Everyday his eyes fade a little more from dark grey to a beautiful brown, and his gaze peers a little deeper into my eyes. I swear he can see straight into my soul. He gets that from his father I think. I love it when his curious eyes find mine from across the room. It makes me feel like the most important person in the universe. When I have his focus I concentrate all of my being into showing him how much I love him, because when you are one month old you don't understand the words, "I love you." You can feel love though. When I wrap him up against me and he can feel my breathing and feel my heart beat like when he was in my belly, or when I nurse him and the magical elixir relaxes his little body and sends him off to sleep. Even when he's just crying and all I can do is hold him so he knows I'm there. That's how I love my baby, and I know he feels it, because of this wonderful thing called a mother's instinct.

(Photo Cred: Jessica Kirkland Photography)

Bringing my baby into the world was the hardest thing I've ever done, so it shouldn't surprise me that becoming a mother and dying to myself everyday wouldn't be a walk in the park either. But just as the pain and anguish of labor had the biggest reward, so to has mothering. When I feel his body finally melt into mine after a fit of crying and strained muscles, or when his eyebrows reach to his forehead and his little lips curl up into a cheesy grin. When I wake up and he is still sleeping peacefully and I can watch his chest rise and fall and he mutters newborn ramblings off in dreamland.
That is the good stuff. That's my reward. That's my pat on the back saying, "You aren't half bad mom, I think we are gonna make it." It's how I know the anxiety I feel is not truth. The truth is this newborn stuff is gold. It's hard, but him and I are going to make it. Just like we made it through labor.

(Photo cred: Jessica Kirkland Photography)

At the end of the day if the only thing I accomplished was feeding the baby, and changing his diaper, I can still count it as a win because at the end of it all, Uriah needed me, and I was there, and that's the most important thing really.

(Photo cred: Jessica Kirkland Photography)

So happy one month baby boy. You are joy in the purest form, and I love you endlessly.

Fourth Trimester Beginnings!

Well my baby is two weeks old today. Two weeks and 51 minutes ago (when I started writing this blog) I brought this hairy little moose baby into the world, and as I write this said moose baby is curled up on my chest, tucked under my chin in the safest spot in the whole world for my child to be.
How did he get here? He woke me up half an hour ago rooting around to find some milk. I swear if he had teeth he would have chewed right through my nursing tank that I've been wearing for two days straight. I lifted him up and he got to eat. Breastfeeding is so rewarding to me. I love it. It's a perfect time for bonding and my baby is a really funny eater. I love his facial expressions when he eats, and when he grunts and snorts while trying to latch on. It's hilarious, and it brings much needed comic relief because my sweet boy has started to get fussy.
Which is why he is here under my chin. Sometimes all you can do is just hold your baby tightly while they cry. It's a horrible thing when you can't bring peace to your baby, but if I were him, I would cry too. The womb was a pretty great place, and in comparison, outside life is the pits. It's cold out here, and hunger exists out here. This hasn't been a problem for Uriah up till the last two weeks. So he is trying to make sense of his new world, and thank God for warm milk and my ability to store it.
I love getting to know my child now that he is earth side. I remember feeling vibrating movements when he was in my belly, and now I know that it was his tiny little butt chin quivering! That chin of his, I swear, I'll never get over it. It's one of the first things I noticed about him when he was born.
Speaking of which, I HAVE written out my birth story! I read it out loud to my husband and I realized, it is hands down the worst writing I have done in my whole life. There are many edits to be made to it, and I'm waiting for our birth pictures to get here to go with the story. I'm definitely saving the rough draft because it's kinda funny how bad it is. To give myself credit I have postpartum brain, and I only ever got to write one or two paragraphs at a time between feedings and diaper changes and all the visitors we've had.
As far as mommy (me) goes, I've been doing pretty good. If you've been following my blog you might have noticed I was really nervous about postpartum emotions and moodiness and overall recovery.
Well I'll tell you what, I did something kinda crazy. I haven't wanted to share about it for fear of being judged, or written off as crazy, or "too crunchy." But you know what? I don't really care anymore, because through Uriah's birth I learned how strong I am, and other people's opinions have really taken a backseat. I've already had some hurtful things be said about this decision, but I decided that someone else's opinion isn't worth me being upset and hurt over.
So what did I do? I got my placenta encapsulated, and then I took them as a way to help myself recover. Why? Because they have helped balance my mood. There are lots of other really great benefits to it, and if you're interested you can look it up and see for yourself, but for me, I did it for hormonal balance. And it worked for me. Every time I started to feel weepy or down for no reason I would take two pills and I would feel leveled. Let me tell you, it's better than anti depressants, and it's better than crying and feeling down when there is another option.
Physically, recovery has been relatively smooth! I only had one small stitch (that's right, 9 pound baby only one stitch) and it's pretty much healed by now. I was bruised internally, so it hurt to sit or stand for any length of time, but that is doing much better too. I had a cough for awhile, and it felt like a baseball bat to the delivery zone every time I coughed, but luckily it didn't hang around long. And Uriah didn't get sick either, thank you breast milk.
Breastfeeding has been a fun learning experience. It started out good, Uriah was a pretty easy latcher right off the bat. We only really need to work on his little lips curling out a little more. I got blisters the second day, but they were gone by the end of the first week, thank God! That first week was painful because when he latched not only did it hurt from the blisters, but it also caused my uterus to cramp (and I thought I was done with contractions) and it was just not the best feeling ever, but we nursed through it, and I'm glad we did because I love breastfeeding my little moose now. My supply evened out at the end of week two, so I'm not walking around ready to feed an entire army now. I would like to increase my supply a little so I can pump and have some back up. It would be really great if I got enough to donate, but I know that takes a lot of time and effort! Small steps!
Hopefully I will get on somewhat of a schedule and start blogging regularly again, but right now my priorities are feed baby, and sleep! I'll keep you all posted as I can! Oh and I apologize for all the mistakes on this blog, but I figure I should get it out there while I can!

40 weeks!

Well here we are! It's my due date. The good thing about babies is you don't get a fine for being over due. You are off the hook little fella.
This week has had some ups and downs, and I'm not talking about the 30 flights of stairs I've climbed. There were a few days where I was getting a little impatient, but I refocused and I've been feeling a lot better since then. At 39 weeks I decided that I was ready, but the funny thing is, it really doesn't matter when I'm ready. Hilarious right? Babies come when they are ready, not when mommies are ready, so here we are, still pregnant, still enjoying little Uriah kicks from within. I love my baby so much. I mean what's a few more days right? I've already been waiting a year (if you count when we started trying) to meet him, I guess a few more days won't kill me. Let's not talk about what a "few" means.
Zach and I have a special trip planned for Saturday, and it will be a lot of fun! I can't wait! We will be going to one of our favorite places that we haven't been to in forever! I've been trying to stay busy, but not too busy, doing fun things to fill my time, and it's been working, because I'm 40 weeks pregnant and I don't hate my life! We are calling it a win! I'm much happier when I'm not resenting my baby for not making his appearance yet. I get it son, my uterus is pretty fabulous. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Everyday is a decision to either be happy that my body is still sustaining my baby, or to be upset I can't kiss his little face! Some days that decision is a lot harder than other days. It is too easy to wallow in my prodomal labor blues. Lucky me I've had so many people praying for me and giving me encouragement, it has made a world of a difference! So thank you to those of you who have been helping me, it REALLY does take a village! And I will be thinking of all of you while I labor to bring my son into the world.
I had my due date appointment today, and it went really well, my midwife helped me talk through some things. I'm so thankful for her care! She told me that Uriah has dropped, which I had a feeling he had because he feels very very low! We can credit him dropping to my two hikes up Mt labor yesterday! I also got to spend two hours in the waiting room of a car dealership waiting for my car to be serviced, it wasn't fun having prodromal labor there, I'll tell you that much, but hey, new tires, so I guess there's that.
I also had a chiropractor appointment today. My massage therapist has really been helping with the pain in my neck/back/shoulder and I get to lay on my belly with the help of a pregnancy bolster. She also explained the adjustment that the chiropractor does to help induce labor, and as it turns out, it's really not that crazy. All it does is create space in your pelvis and help relax those muscles down there! I didn't have it done, but it would sure beat getting pitocin!
Trying to sleep really sucks when I'm having contractions (which is always) but sleep is about to be a foreign concept to me anyways, so hey, why not a little practice in insomnia? I just hope I can get a good night's rest before I go into real labor.
We will see when my little baby butt chin will make his appearance! Thank you for all the support, and for following my blog on this journey! I'm almost there!

To my Uriah Blaine

Hey baby,
You sure seem comfy in there. I'm so glad my body has given you your first home for so long now. I'm so lucky to have been able to do so, I'll never look back on my 9 months of pregnancy with remorse because I love carrying you around. I love seeing every one of your family members bond with you even while you are in my belly. Even the dog is excited.
You are so little and you have already changed my world. It is hard for me to imagine that you still have so many lessons to teach me. I know that I think I love you now, but when I see you, my whole heart will probably explode. You are so wise little guy to already be teaching me things. We have a long road to walk down together, and no matter what befalls us the most important thing in the whole world, the one thing that goes beyond everything else, is that you have a mommy and daddy who love you more than life, and nothing will ever change that. Not your stinky diapers, or the sleepless nights. Not your toddler tantrums, or even your teenage tantrums. We love you wholly and completely for all that you are and all that you are going to be.
I really have your daddy to thank for my first lesson in love. I never knew what love could really do until I married your dad. He has shown me unconditional, selfless love, and it's incredible to me. I had no choice but to make him a daddy, so that we could create a little human with which to share our love and passion with. I'm so glad we have you.
As we prepare to hold you earth side I want you to know that you are just as much "here" to me now, as you will be after I deliver you. I can't wait to see your little face, but I know what your little feet feel like, and I know how much you love morning walks. I already know you are a wise soul for teaching me so much through your gestation.
I'm thankful for you, and I am ready to journey through birth with you as you do your part and I do mine. I love you Uriah Blaine, I'll see you soon!

39 weeks

I feel like my life is going to change this month. I think October is going to be the best month of the year. It's just a funny hunch I get.  This week has been another good one! Nothing too spectacular has happened, I've just been enjoying the ride!
I've had some serious shoulder pain return from my accident and it pretty much feels like Muhammed Ali punched me. It's hard because there isn't much I can do about it except go to the chiropractor which I am doing, but it still hurts like a son of a... it makes me feel really grumpy and irritated to be in pain that I can't fix. My poor husband has been handling it well though, bless his heart. I also kept him up all night a few nights ago because I was snoring so loud I kept waking him up. Pregnancy is sooooo  cute you guys. I blame it on the fact that we forgot to turn the humidifier on. I can imagine that living with my grumpy butt this week has been insufferable, but for some reason Zach is handling it so well. Bless his heart. He has had a couple conversations with Uriah about coming out soon because he wants to meet him. We will see what "soon"means to Uriah, because I'm sure he is just like his father and will be very obedient (not!)
I've also had a touch of insomnia, some very restless legs and feet, heartburn up the wazoo, and don't you dare try to eat in front of me because I will steal your sandwich. I have the appetite of a teenage boy, or worse. It's like all I really think about is food. It's exhausting. It makes it hard to eat right when I want to eat so much and so frequently. And I know breastfeeding is probably going to be the same thing. Bring to me all the carbs.
We got our car seat installed this weekend. I'm very excited about it. I love looking back in the mirror and seeing it there, just waiting to safely transport my little moose here and there.
Uriah is still moving and grooving in my belly. I can feel his toes wiggling and feel his feet shake when he gets a good stretch. He seems pretty comfy in there!
My chiropractor offered to induce me next week, and I politely said no. I've been lucky to have a healthy body and healthy baby, so since there is no reason to, I say let him pick his birthday! It is nice to know I have that as an option so I wouldn't have to turn to pitocin, or even castor oil. I'll give castor oil a big hell no!
But I will say that for the first time I actually feel ready for labor. I will welcome it with open arms. I'm ready to be a mom (er well are you ever REALLY ready ha ha) and hold my baby. Whenever you want mister!

38 weeks!

Bah! I love being 38 weeks pregnant. It kinda makes me feel like a crazy person because I'm essentially a loose canon! Don't even look at me wrong or I could go into labor! I kinda want to start faking it in public and see what happens!
But seriously, I'm not about to sit around and wait to go into labor, but at the same time, it might be crazy if I was somewhere really inconvenient and I got hit with a real contraction... however I will probably just be trying to sleep one night, or doing the dishes one afternoon, or something super mundane like that. It is fun to think it could happen anywhere at any time though! I'm clearly not your typical 9 month get-this-child-out-of-me, pregnant woman. I am really loving this stage of pregnancy. It is my last month of 24/7 snuggles from my little guy who won't want to be this close for forever. He has every single need met on demand, and I'm happy to be able to do that for him now, because there will be a day when he is sad and crying and I won't know why and I'll feel like the worst mom ever! So today, I'm happy being pregnant.
Sometimes I get a tad bit of anxiety because there are some things I haven't done yet, but my husband reminds me that even if I went into labor right now, everything could be figured out just fine, but it won't be anything I'd have to worry about anyways. And that is why he is winning at being a husband and daddy.
I packed Uriah's diaper bag last week! It was kinda crazy feeling. I love the diaper bag I got, and I like to think of all the places I will be toting it to in the near future. Now I just have to pack my bag and we will be ready to go.
Last weekend we went hiking to a waterfall that was more like a water trickle, but it was still cool! I got super swollen, and I got a serious calf workout, but it was nice to just get outside for awhile. I'm going to have to be more careful about where I go now, because like I said, loose canon!

This week I've noticed my body is really excited about having this baby, or at least excited about feeding the baby. Let's just say I don't foresee any supply issues happening in the milk department. My uterus is getting lots of practice contracting. It should be a pro by the time labor starts. I bet if I timed them I'd have at least two an hour, but I don't bother timing them. I've struggled with a bit of insomnia, which is really dumb because right now I have all the reasons in the world to sleep, and yet, I just can't do it sometimes. I tried meditating last night to clear my thoughts. I tried for about 10-15 minutes and gave up because there wasn't a moment of silence in my brain. I realize my days of sleeping whenever I want are limited, so I wish I could just fall asleep easy-peasy. I'll sleep when I'm dead I guess.

This week I had my most favorite prenatal appointment to date because my amazing midwife painted my belly! It was so fun! She felt for little guys position and then painted him exactly how he is laying (er-uh hand-standing) in my belly. It was really cool because he kept kicking in the exact spot where she painted his little foot! I felt like I was carrying him around on the outside for the day, and it made me that much more excited to see my little moose. I was really sad when I had to take a shower at the end of the day and wash him off, but we got plenty of pictures thanks to Mollie! This is exactly why I love my midwifery care. Can you find one OB who would paint your baby on you? I doubt it! My midwives really care about me and my baby, and they have taken it so far as to find ways to help me connect with my little guy. One of the most frustrating things about being pregnant is not being able to see your baby, and my midwife created a way for me to do that in a small way (way better than creepy 4-D ultrasounds.) Every appointment when they listen for his heartbeat over the feta-scope they talk to him by name, and I love that. Uriah isn't just another baby for them. Sorry, I could go on and on about how excellent Bella Vie is, I can't help it, I LOVE this place!

37 Weeks!

This past week has gone by pretty quick, as I'm sure the rest of the weeks will go up until my little ball of sunshine gets here. This week my crafty husband refurbished a dresser into a changing table where we will spend many hours changing diapers. He did a great job on it, and I'm really glad he is so crafty with things like this. He is such a great daddy already. We also went to Oktoberfest for a little bit, but it was unbearably hot, and sweaty and there were SO MANY people there! I kinda felt like a sheep being led to slaughter. I'm walking this line where I want to stay busy so I'm not waiting for Uriah, but I also don't want to overdo it because I really can't do too much.
You know what is hard? Standing. Walking is pretty easy (although it makes me swell,) but standing is much harder because it makes me want to lock my knees which makes my feet fall asleep almost instantly. It's really sad. I had to ask for a chair at the Verizon store today because there was a 20 minute wait and I didn't want to walk back and forth and there were no chairs available. I felt very old lady, but hey, at least I didn't pass out from lack of blood flow.
I've been craving a pumpkin spice latte like every other white girl out there, but I refuse to get one until it is actually cold, since it is strictly a fall tradition. Today was going to be that day I thought. It was raining this morning and all I wanted to do was sip that PSL on my deck and watch the rain come down as I wrote my blog. But no. The sun is shining now, and I'm hot. Come on Oregon, cut a girl some slack. I also thought I'd be able to wear a long sleeve maternity shirt that is really cute too, but that didn't work out either because my belly is too big for it now, and I'm sad about it. I'm to the point where my maternity clothes don't fit me anymore, so it's a miracle if I get dressed in something other than yoga pants. If I go much further past my due date I'm just going to have to show up to places in my birthday suit. Remember that if you invite me anywhere anytime soon!
So other than standing and getting dressed my 9th month is going great! I still love having my baby inside my belly, and with each day I can feel him getting bigger and stronger (based on how bad it hurts when he kicks my ribs.) My uterus is getting a hell of a workout with all these braxton hicks, which are spurred on by anything. You name it, Sneezing, sitting up, standing up, rolling over, laughing, speed bumps, pretty much anything makes me have them. They usually aren't uncomfortable though, so I'm grateful for that!
This week I look forward to getting our maternity pictures back and meeting with our photographer to talk about our birth! I'm really excited to have this event documented. I don't think there would be a better picture to have then the moment we meet our son. Also at my appointment next week my sister, mother and husband will get to go and I get to have my belly painted by my wonderful midwife! It looks like there are a few more days of heat and then it should start cooling off for good, which will really help me enjoy the last month of pregnancy!