Weighted

I imagine I would just fold into the wind. Just evaporate straight into heaven. I'd make a better memory then I would a person I think. They would remember the words I wrote and how I loved. And that way I wouldn't be stuck hating myself constantly. I wouldn't be stuck in this broken body that crumples into itself when I need to be strong.

I've done enough and everyone knows me. And if not for this boy I think I would float away. I could never ever part from him. There would never ever be a me that would be able to separate from him. If I folded to the wind my heart would ache for him even in my death. He's my boy. My wonderful, sweet, perfect child, and at times he is the only thing holding me here, but my love for him is heavy, so incredibly heavy, and it will weigh me to the earth through all the waves.

Tiring days

Today I made myself get out of the house. I've been really struggling with doing this, and I'm not sure why. My therapist asked me to write down the thoughts that were preventing me from leaving so that we could trouble shoot next week. I did so when I was getting ready, and I had a list that was much longer than I thought it would be.

I should have left the house on a week day, but today just happens to be Saturday, and it was so busy in town. 

I went to a clothing store, and then I went to the mall. I also went to Willamette Valley Fruit company where we found some pumpkins for Moose to play with.

It was very stressful being in public. I felt invisible, and embarrassed about my own presence. As if everyone knew I was terrified. I just wanted to sink away.

The way home was about 25 minutes of my poor boy screaming. He won't nurse in public anymore. He gets too distracted, no matter where I try to hide us. So when we went home I think he realized how hungry he was. It's so hard listening to him cry. 

When we got home he took a nap and I tried to talk myself down. I'm feeling like a failure. It's very frustrating not being able to do simple things that normally would be easy. I'm feeling like I need to spend ten days in hibernation. It's terrifying that we will be gone all day tomorrow. 

I'm also dealing with side effects from A medication and Moose and I both woke up with head colds. My immune system is good for nothing, and I've been sleeping terribly.

A GOOD day.

I am laying in bed, reflecting on my day like I always do. Turning over conversations and emotions and seeing what's here. I got up with my Moose, had coffee and breakfast and he actually enjoyed eating solids with me.

He took a nap, dad came home, and I got a kiss and a hug. We got out of the house, went to Target. Got a car seat, which came with a gift card, so I could also buy a sweater for our pictures on Sunday. Ran into two people we knew in town. Came home and I got to read the car seat manual (I love doing that) then I installed it.

We made mac and cheese for dinner, and watched our favorite show and played with our sweet happy boy. 

We all bathed and put on our jammies and my little boy fell asleep so peacefully on my chest in no time at all.

I had a good day.

At no point did I want to cry, and hide away. I didn't have to talk me out of hating myself. I didn't feel worthless today. Today was just good. 

I'm thankful for today, and for this break from the waves. I have been fighting for this feeling. For laying down at night without having to negotiate all of the hell my mind had traveled through during the day. I can just lay here and relish in this victory. I know I'll have more hard days to come, but this, this is so good.

Getting derailed

It seems like I'll never settle into these new bones. I don't feel like I can relate to who I was two months ago. Or even ten minutes ago. I feel completely different. As if I had amnesia and everyone expects me to be the person I was and I don't know who that person was. 

My mind flows like the tide. One minute hopeful and the next minute trying to avoid thinking about anything. Trying to identify the voice saying I suck at life as the depression. Trying not to dwell on how much I hate myself in those moments. Just trying to make it till the tide comes back around.

It seems as though I'll feel like I'm getting ahead and getting better. But then it really doesn't take much to derail me. Just a penny on a track is all it takes. 

I try to go through the motions even when I feel like burrowing beneath the earth and hiding. I'll get up and clean and make dinner and maybe leave the house. I try to do what I would want to do if I weren't feeling like a pile of poo. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud. 

My sweet perfect baby boy is teething. He's got drool coming out like a faucet, and he is biting the shit out of my nipple. It freaking hurts, but I don't think he will ever stop doing it. He only gets more upset when I put him down. Breastfeeding is hard, but being a baby is way harder. I think I'm going to get myself a "breastfeeding for a year" present because my boobs have gone through a lot and this shit is hard freaking work and I deserve it. I wish I would have counted how many nursing sessions Moose has had. I think I'll ask God when I get to heaven. And I'll thank him for being able to do it. Even though I keep getting bitten. 

He's still the best most sweetest Moose ever. I love him more than anything.

Settling in

I hate making titles to my posts. But I can't post without a title. Balls.

Balls. My friend from high school used to say that and it always makes me laugh.

Anyways. This morning was so good. Then it got bad. And it's funny. Because I thought it was like a cold. It just disappears one day. Not the case! It's not even one day at a time. It's one hour at a time. It's so frustrating. I just want to feel better already. I'm over it. I hate this. I want to breath and dance and enjoy mundane things. 

This is so hard. 

Thank you to my family who is still carrying me through this. To those who love me and are showing up for me. I'm leaning on you and you are strong for me. Thank you.

Settling in

I hate making titles to my posts. But I can't post without a title. Balls.

Balls. My friend from high school used to say that and it always makes me laugh.

Anyways. This morning was so good. Then it got bad. And it's funny. Because I thought it was like a cold. It just disappears one day. Not the case! It's not even one day at a time. It's one hour at a time. It's so frustrating. I just want to feel better already. I'm over it. I hate this. I want to breath and dance and enjoy mundane things. 

This is so hard. 

Thank you to my family who is still carrying me through this. To those who love me and are showing up for me. I'm leaning on you and you are strong for me. Thank you.

I can breath today

Parts of yesterday (before an incident ruined it) and today I've felt more light than I have in weeks. I feel like joy is just right there for me. It's not hidden and buried too deeply for me to be able to touch. 

I think the reason being is a few things. I think my medication is starting to work. And if you've never used antidepressants please don't assume you know how they work. Also I have been going to therapy twice weekly and my session on Friday was very enlightening. It was very very very hard to process. But it gave me hope and some understanding. And I'm so grateful for my therapist who has helped me uncover things that I would have never figured out in a million years. 

If I were to try to sum up what I learned... It would be: I have a voice and my voice is valid and my voice is ok. I need to use my voice instead of stuffing it away in fear of how it will be received. I cannot control how people receive my voice, but that isn't my responsibility, and I cannot guess how they will respond.

My relationships with my family and friends are the number one most important thing to me. I have been trying to create peace for everyone and a lot of times that has meant stifling my voice. I do this with my husband, my in laws, my family, pretty much everyone. What I know as truth is that it doesn't have to be this way, and we can all have loving fulfilling relationships, where I don't have to choke myself out of speaking. 

It's hard for me to imagine how that is possible. But I have hope I will figure it out with help. I should also say no one but me has squashed my voice. At some point I decided things flowed smoother without my opinion and I know now that isn't healthy.

That being said. I'm protecting myself from people who are hurtful to me and my family. And I'm trying to speak my words as they come so I don't bottle them until they come out screaming.

Today I am hopeful. Today I'm thankful that God has given me people in my life who love me so much and have been so helpful in getting me the help I need. Today is going to be a good day. Uriah and I are trying to make friends with our horsey neighbor, but we do not know his name. And I have no idea how you call a horse over to you. So far "here boy!" Isn't working.